Monday, February 28, 2011

Things I DON'T Need to See

Here is the long awaited blog post. I know it's not really "long awaited" because no one has really been waiting for it to come out (other than my boyfriend, but that doesn't really count). Please enjoy...or don't enjoy I could really care less how you feel about this post. I'm just going to ramble for a bit because I don't want to type all of this out even though it's already been written. Okay, I think I'm done complaining about typing and I'll get on with complaining about other things.

Why is it that people feel the need to show me disturbing and psychologically damaging images? Is it written on my forehead: PLEASE SHOW ME THINGS THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT OR THAT WILL SCAR ME FOR LIFE? Apparently...
I don't care to see these things mostly because they don't apply to me. Did you hear that? I DON'T CARE!!! Or I do care...for my mental wellbeing. Here, you shall understand...

1) Festering Wounds
Ew. No. Don't show me your oozing, infected wounds. It's your own fault that you were gardening in shorts and you missed that weed and got a hoe stuck in your shin bone. It's your own fault that you didn't go to the doctor and claimed pine needles would heal it. So please, don't show me.

2) Forwarded Emails/Text Messages
This is why I don't give old people my email address and tell people that my picture messaging doesn't work. It really works perfectly fine; I just don't want to see a buttload of penises. That's gross. I don't want to see a dinosaur with a penis body, or a Big Mac with a penis as the burger. I don't want to see a girl having sexual relations with a horse...or a spatula.
No. That's just wrong. And those forwarded emails!
Wow, that is just adorable. It's so adorable that I might just throw up. You're so old that you think this is a real photo. The pixels don't even match up! I don't care!

3) Fat People
Yes, hate me. Nah, I'm kidding. I don't mind seeing fat people. I live in Indiana; I'm surrounded by them.
The fat I can see. THIS...
I cannot. Actually, it doesn't even matter if it's on a fat lady. It could be on anyone and I'll throw up. I won't judge you for wearing a thong. That's your own personal business. I judge you for flaunting it in front of the world. It's not "sexy." It's disturbing.

4) Drunk People Videos
I'm sorry, but I don't find drunk people funny. I find it sad that people have gone so far that they can't even sit without falling backwards. I don't wan to watch someone basically kill themselves. There is only one instance that I have found a drunk person funny, and I wasn't even really there to witness in person...
It was funny...I don't know why.

5) Pictures of Your Children
I sound like an ass. I don't mind looking at family pictures; I just don't want to see those ugly babies
Yikes! You'd better hope that kid grows out of that nose or you are in for some great times ahead. And by that I mean bullies. Great times. Gotta love those ugly babies...

6) Tattoos
I love tattoos. I want a bunch of tattoos, but there are certain ones that I don't need to see. Like this girl that lived a couple doors down from me in college a year ago.
Not really a bad tattoo (and by that I mean "not offensive." I could go on about how this is a retarded tattoo, but I'm not her so I won't get into that), but where it was...
[please say the following with a crappy Scottish accent] MY E'ES!!! She would walk around the floor with no clothes on. I am scarred for life.

7) Semi-Popular Youtube Videos
If the above hasn't given me nightmares, this definitely has. Men dressed as women singing about how they want to have sex with women dressed as men is not my idea of a good time. I also don't want to see videos of hairy, middle-aged men singing about business time.
I'm basically curled in a ball, rocking back and forth thinking about it right now.

8) PDA
I hate PDA more than anything in the whole world at this particular moment in time. You couples with your lovey-dovey, mushiness holding hands down the street. Gross. I'm kidding. Holding hands is fine, but anything beyond that is not anything I need or care to see.

9) Feet
Ugh...I hate feet. Please don't show them to me. This is what feet look like to normal people...
This is what feet look like to me...
They haunt me. Don't show me your feet.

10) Pictures of Myself
Please don't show me pictures of myself. I don't want to see them, especially the old this one.
It's embarrassing. And humiliating. I don't even know why I put that picture up. I'll end this post with this picture so you forget about that one.

And there you have it. That is the blog post. It sucks, I know. And just as a little disclaimer: There is no harm or malice toward the people that have shown me the above images. They were the only examples I could think of at the time. I still love you, just not what you showed me. P.S. Don't judge my photoshop skills for the Bieber Lisa. I didn't pass my graphic arts class. Okay, well I think that about wraps it up. Have a glorious day, y'all.