Sunday, December 4, 2011

Unfortunate Friends

I haven't posted anything in quite some time and I apologize for that. If you haven't heard the news from someone, Cam and I are now engaged. The funny thing is that the happiest person about this isn't Cam...or me; It's my brother :P haha. But that sad thing is...through this big, momentous happening, I've found out just how little friends I (/we) have. I know I've said before that I don't have friends, but now it's like, "Wow...I really don't have friends..." There have only been about 10 people that have congratulated us. That's including family. Granted, it's not like Cam and I have been together for all that long or have been notorious for being the "oh they're totally going to get married some day" couple-without-being-a-couple. But honestly it really upsets me that no one cares. Probably one of the biggest and most hurtful is that a person I've known since the second grade and that I have considered one of my best friends for that long, and whom I live with hasn't said one word to me. I know she knows about it. There's no way she doesn't. But would it kill her to even ask if it's real? And another person whom I would consider a best friend has talked to me, but seems like they're ignoring the fact that it happened. This really makes things difficult planning-wise. Most of you know that I don't have many girl friends. Never have. I just don't get along with girls. But the two girls that have been some of the closest girl friends to me and whom I would put in the wedding party haven't said one thing. It just really seems like they don't care about me. I'm not going to ask someone to be there for me on one of the biggest days of my life if they could care less about it. Who am I going to make my bridesmaids? It's really stressful because Cam already knows everyone who he wants to be his groomsmen...and I don't have anyone. I have one person. Brett. The greatest best friend anyone could ever have. But my dad doesn't want Brett to stand on my side. That's another thing. My dad. He doesn't seem too happy about this whole thing. He still wants to hang on to me forever (which is weird because he has never showed any sort of affection toward me). I don't want my dad to give me away. I never have. Ever since I was little, I had always wanted my big brother Michael to give me away. He's been more there for me than my dad ever has, is, or ever will be. But my dad won't let that happen. I feel like...just how everything else in my life...this wedding has to be for my dad's approval. This isn't going to be Cameron and My day, it's going to be my dad's. I have to pretty much settle for Michael being an usher...and I have to put Mark in it. I don't want Mark in my wedding. I barely know him. I lived with him for 2 years during school. Most of which I was either at jump rope practice, with Brett, or shut in my room. And then for another year which I was either out with friends, working, with Cam, or shut in my room. He isn't anything to me. Sure I care about it. He's starting to feel more like a family member, but not enough to put him in my wedding. I suggested making him the person that passes out programs or something, but of course to Dad, that just doesn't cut it. Where else am I going to put him? Also, my dad doesn't approve of the attire. Both Cameron and I want everyone in the wedding party to wear chucks. But no, Dad doesn't like it. We wanted a restaurant to cater for the reception, but nope. Dad knows a guy who can cater. Since he (and I use that very loosely) is paying for this wedding, I suppose he does have some say in the food, but I don't want him to pick and choose who my closest friends are. He's controlled me for this long, but I really just want to put my foot down this time. Yes, I don't have very many friends. I only have 2 people who can be my maids and one of them is waaaaaay up in the air, but I don't want my dad to put people in my life that have never really...been in my life. This is supposed to be one of the most memorable days of my life. I want to remember it as the best day ever. Not a day where I put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay. I do that every day. And it's not how I want the beginning of the rest of my life.