Today, I discovered that I'm a bitch and an asshole and that I expect to be treated like I'm special and better than everybody else. I had no idea that I was this way. But I've come to the conclusion that it is the reason I have no friends anymore. I really honestly don't want to be treated any different than anyone else. I actually prefer to be treated like a piece of shit. New things scare me, so being treated like a king freaks me out. And I'm not better than anyone else. I am worthless. And I truly believe that. I'm writing this for myself; I'm not looking for your "Oh, you're not and asshole"s, your "You're not worthless"s, or your "Yeah, you totally are"s. I don't care. Keep your opinions to yourself this time. (Not that you've expressed your opinions/feelings before.) I don't know how to change. Do I have to do the opposite of what I usually want to do? I'm so confused. So lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm going to try my hardest to avoid everyone today. I'm going to have to be in Pao for about four hours everyday this weekend and Monday anyways, so it shouldn't be too hard. I'll spend my time in my room instead of out in the living room this week, and when Friday comes around I'll quietly collect my things and leave for home. But it's not a home anymore. I don't have a bed. A place to stay. A place to escape. Where do I go? I keep having the urge to maim myself in some way. As punishment for how I've treated everyone I know in the past. I didn't mean to. I didn't know. And I'm sorry to those of you who are reading this right now if I've been a bitch or an asshole to you. Feel free to cut all contacts with me. This is why I need to be alone. So I don't hurt anyone anymore. I've always told myself that I'd be alone because I didn't want to get hurt, but now I realize that it's because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I am the worst person on the face of the Earth. I deserve to drown on a sidewalk in a torrential rain just like the worm that I am. I'm not fit to be around people. I think maybe next year I'll get an apartment by myself a couple miles from campus. I think that would be best for everybody. Or maybe I won't go back to school. It'll look bad that I quit school for a second time, but I really don't think college is for me. Bad things always happen when I go to school. I want to disappear off the map. Just leave and go someplace new. Change my name and start over. I'll get a job in a factory or a warehouse and work most of the day. Go back to my house, eat, sleep, and go to work. Like a robot. That's all I'm really good for I suppose. I have to skills other than doing what I'm told to do. I need to get ready to leave for Pao.
I wrote a poem this morning. I haven't written a poem in years. It's untitled.
Somber is as somber lies
My heart gives up with my tear filled eyes
There's tragedy in everything
I close my eyes and sprout my wings
The longest dream I've ever had
A cold, dark room of pine wood clad
Ending is as Ending calls
A quiet peace, a lifeless doll
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