Thursday, November 7, 2013

Money and Planning is Never Fun

So I'm just going to rant and rave about my stupid money issues here because I can and because I've been doing math for the last hour trying to figure out how to afford things. I want to save up my money for a puppy and for a new computer and maybe...maybe for a house. I don't want to jinx anything about a house and I know it's really stupid to be looking for one right now cuz we're super poor, but I really hate living in apartments. They're expensive and small and you can't do anything and you will always have annoying neighbors with yappy, little dogs and loud banging in odd hours of the night. I hate my neighbors if you can't tell. Ugh! They are so annoying. They constantly stomp around and they have this little, ugly, stupid dog that barks at EVERYTHING it sees and hears. I want to kill it. Literally. I would shoot that thing if I could. Steal it, skin it, package the meat, put it on their doorstep, and wear the skin as boots. And when the boots have gone out of fashion, I'd use them as toilet paper and watch it drown in my fecal matter. That is how much I hate that dog. Anyway, back to the money part...I have done some math stuffs trying to determine how much money I'll have by the end of the year/my birthday through saving and I will still be really poor. My savings account is full of spiderwebs right now, but hopefully I'll get some stuff in there. I'm trying to budget things and not spend unless I absolutely have to which is pretty difficult for me. I hate being impulsive. Anyway...I can't decide if I want I want to save my money for. I REALLY want a puppy. Cam does too...but the dog that we want is about $875 I think...and then it costs $425 to ship it out here. So that's $1300 just for the puppy alone. Then there's vet costs, food costs, micro chips, collars, tags, cleaning supplies, toys, and pet fees for the apartment. It bums me out. Cam said that we'd get on the waiting list for the dog on my birthday. But my math is not in the green from my calculations. Granted that's only from my income and I've been estimating low, but still. I think Cam is going to start is own savings account. I don't know how that's going to workout. It makes me nervous cuz he's not as good with money as I am. I don't know. And I really want a new computer. I hate Cam's computer. Windows 8 confuses the hell out of me. I try to click on something and then something else pops up and then it tells me that I can't do something and I get pissed and give up. Buuuuuut...when I look at prices on the Apple Store's website I go into a deep depression. I can't decide if I want to get a iMac or a MacBook Pro. An iMac is what I want, but for the time being, a MacBook is more practical. There isn't space in this tiny apartment for a desk for an iMac, but I think we'll be moving out of this place 7 months (and to be honest, I don't even think I'll have enough saved up for a new computer in 7 months), so I don't know what I'll get. I think the iMacs are cheaper. And I like the feel of a mouse a million times better than a trackpad. But if I got the iMac I'd get a trackpad for it anyway. I just don't know what I want. Is it weird that I like to fake plan? That what this whole day has been for me. I've been doing monetary calculations and planned out my whole life for the next 2 months even though I know none of it is going to happen. It makes me feel safe...cuz I'm a control freak. And I hate the unknown. It makes me nervous and I feel like I'm going to drown. I totally need drugs (and by that I mean prescribed drugs). Not that I'd take them anyway. Oh! and another thing I would add to my list of things to save for: a tattoo. Yes, I know I'm a heathen for wanting one (or 20). But I've always wanted tattoos so the whole world can suck it. But I don't know if my skin would react well with ink since it's so sensitive and hates me. Well, you know what, skin? I hate you, too! It's been getting better a little bit. By this time last year I would have been covered in one giant rash from head to toe and I've only got a little on my wrists and a patch on my neck. And two years ago I would have basically been trapped in my house and the year before I would have been crying cuz it hurt so bad and would have been trapped in my house and wishing that I could illegally purchase steroids to make it better. Maybe by this time next year it'll be all gone and I'll have perfect skin again (yeah right). I'm so optimistic...not. I'm not optimistic, I'm not pessimistic, I am realistic. And proud of it. I have a feeling that this is going to be a really long post because I have to much to write about. Maybe I should divide this into different sections so it flows better. Oh my goodness, so the other night I had a dream about my dad. It was the strangest dream I think I have ever had. If anybody is reading this, which I highly doubt, you should know that I am really weird about dreams. I think dreams are real. More like...I don't know how to explain it. Dreams have meaning. I feel like dreams are a way of conveying a message whether that be from my subconscious (or a sixth sense), someone else, or something else. This is going to sound extremely crazy, but sometimes I think dreams happen in a different dimension. Like our souls leave our bodies and float around in the astral plane and our physical bodies try to interpret what we see or have seen. That sounds really kooky and I don't even care. But I think this because my dreams are so vivid and slightly realistic and they freak me out. Anyway, back to my dream about my dad...since it was a few days ago, I don't remember all the details. I should have written it down, but I don't know where I put my dream journal. But I dreamt that my dad was okay with me. It is the first dream I've had about my dad where he wasn't yelling at me or angry with me. The first one ever. That's why it stuck with me. It was so weird. Gosh, I wish I could remember the details! I told Cam, but I highly doubt he remembers cuz I tell him my dreams all the time and they probably just blend into one another. But my dad basically told me he cared about me and that he was okay with me not going to school. He told me that everything was going to be alright. It disturbed me. Ever since I can remember I've only had dreams about my dad yelling at me or getting mad at me for something I did. There was a time that I would have dreams about tornadoes at least once a week and they didn't stop until I realized that the tornado was representing my dad. My mom is rarely ever in my dreams and if she is she's either dead, dying, or had disappeared. My sister only appears in my dreams if she's yelling or angry with me. My brother is only ever in my dreams if he's dead, dying, or has disappeared. That's weird. I should look that up. I need a shower. 

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