Wake Up Falls and Unanswered Phones

Here I am, just laying in my bed. I am at a lack of tiredness as of the moment. And I need to work in about 6 hours. I couldn't sleep earlier so I called Cam and we skyped for a little and I either fell asleep on him (which was pretty much my whole intention...sort of) or the battery on my computer died. So I had been sleeping for about and hour when I hear people stomping into the house...of course all of this had been all jumbled up into my dream so I brushed it off until I heard a loud boom and a blood-curdling scream. Bam. At that moment I shot up and was like "What the heck is going on?!" I hear lots more stomping and yelling and slurred yelling and try to decipher what just happened and whether it needed my attention or an ambulance's. This continued for about 5 minutes and none of the noise died down. I figured everyone had gone out and got drunk and now they were all yelling at each other, so I decided to (very reluctantly) get out of bed and tell them to shut the eff up. I get out of bed and Tracey is frantically walking around and I'm not quite sure what happened next but I know I angrily told her about a scream that woke me up and she said that something had fallen on her foot. Okay, so next I go into the kitchen and try to tell everyone to quiet down a bit (at this point I did not know the extent of everybody's drunkenness) and Tracey's friend Jake is like "Oh, sorry, Kristina!" and hugs me and Stephanie is like "Have you had some cake?!" and Mikey's dad is like, "Christina! Take me away! Take me away!" and Mikey is like, "Yeah this is totally his first beer..." Tracey comes up to me explaining that everyone is drunk out of their minds and that she's handling it and that I should go back to bed. I don't know if any of you know this, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get away from a drunk person who wants to talk to you. And I was surrounded by 4 of them. Tracey was trying her hardest to take care of them, and if I didn't have to get some sleep I totally would have helped her. A back massage, 2 other serenades, and a yeah-me-and-the-fork-go-way-back later, I finally got away. I've tried twice to call Cam to no avail, so I'm here writing this blog post. About halfway through writing it sounded as if Tracey got everyone to bed, but I'm not tired. I'm going to try to go to bed now. I really need to get some sleep. I haven't gotten much in the last week and the next week isn't going to be much better...

There Really isn't Enough Time in the World...

I am taking time right now out of my ever-busy schedule to write this post. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am weary. I am fatigued. I am this excerpt from the dictionary on my computer: Tired is what you are after you've cleaned the house, spent two hours reading a dull report, or trained for a marathon; it means that you are drained of your strength and energy, without giving any indication of degree. Weary, on the other hand, is how you feel after you've had to interrupt your dinner five or six times to answer the phone. It implies not only a depletion of energy but also the vexation that accompanies having to put up with something that is, or has become, disagreeable. Exhausted means that you are totally drained of strength and energy, a condition that may even be irreversible (: exhausted by battling a terminal disease). Fatigued is a more precise word than either tired or weary; it implies a loss of energy through strain, illness, or overwork to the point where rest or sleep is essential (: fatigued after working a 24-hour shift). Tuckered is an informal word that comes close in meaning to fatigued or exhausted, but often carries the suggestion of loss of breath (: tuckered out after running up six flights of stairs). I need to be working on my peanuts right now, but I just don't have anything in me to do it. I've pooped about three times today which I'm pretty sure isn't good. I've been looking for information for my speech because my outline is due on Wednesday. I have so much to do. I've done quite a few things today off of my to-do list. I called Pay-less back asking about my application/interview. She said she hadn't looked at it yet and that she would call me back in 15 minutes. Well, that was almost 3 hours ago. I had to go to a computer lab to save my designs on Franklin. Tracey went with me and we walked into a lab that said "OPEN" and when we got out it said "CLASS IN SESSION" so we have no idea what was going on. I finished my math homework fairly quickly. It was only 7 questions and they were all about time and area. Super easy stuff that I got right on the first try. I was very proud of myself. Tracey just came into my room and told me that I look like death. Yeah...I feel like death. Is it bad that this is only a 100th of how I felt at Huntington? I was literally a zombie. Or really more like a robot. A zombie-robot? I went through the motions and I was dead inside. I felt nothing. I remember nothing. And I honestly don't want to. Now I want to make about post about zombie-robots. Actually I don't. But I need to get going. My peanuts are still unfinished.

Ugly Peanuts and Dirty Hands

So for my drawing class this week, we've been drawing peanuts. I hate peanuts. I can't draw peanuts. The only way my peanuts look normal is if you are halfway across the room and squinting. My hands get covered in charcoal and it sucks. Grandpa is watching a movie about the KKK. They're killing the guy right now in a gas chamber (and by "the guy" I mean the guy who was in the KKK and was on death row). It's over now. Anyway, I'm just writing a post so you all know I'm still alive. The post before the last one was pretty emo...complete with poetic suicide. I must say that I'm throughly embarrassed by it, but I'm not going to take it off. I hide and cower from people all the time, so why hide things with my blog? I actually think I'm going to go. Hope you all enjoyed the last blog! :)

This Genius Idea of Mine

I Don't Feel Like Writing a Title

Today, I discovered that I'm a bitch and an asshole and that I expect to be treated like I'm special and better than everybody else. I had no idea that I was this way. But I've come to the conclusion that it is the reason I have no friends anymore. I really honestly don't want to be treated any different than anyone else. I actually prefer to be treated like a piece of shit. New things scare me, so being treated like a king freaks me out. And I'm not better than anyone else. I am worthless. And I truly believe that. I'm writing this for myself; I'm not looking for your "Oh, you're not and asshole"s, your "You're not worthless"s, or your "Yeah, you totally are"s. I don't care. Keep your opinions to yourself this time. (Not that you've expressed your opinions/feelings before.) I don't know how to change. Do I have to do the opposite of what I usually want to do? I'm so confused. So lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm going to try my hardest to avoid everyone today. I'm going to have to be in Pao for about four hours everyday this weekend and Monday anyways, so it shouldn't be too hard. I'll spend my time in my room instead of out in the living room this week, and when Friday comes around I'll quietly collect my things and leave for home. But it's not a home anymore. I don't have a bed. A place to stay. A place to escape. Where do I go? I keep having the urge to maim myself in some way. As punishment for how I've treated everyone I know in the past. I didn't mean to. I didn't know. And I'm sorry to those of you who are reading this right now if I've been a bitch or an asshole to you. Feel free to cut all contacts with me. This is why I need to be alone. So I don't hurt anyone anymore. I've always told myself that I'd be alone because I didn't want to get hurt, but now I realize that it's because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I am the worst person on the face of the Earth. I deserve to drown on a sidewalk in a torrential rain just like the worm that I am. I'm not fit to be around people. I think maybe next year I'll get an apartment by myself a couple miles from campus. I think that would be best for everybody. Or maybe I won't go back to school. It'll look bad that I quit school for a second time, but I really don't think college is for me. Bad things always happen when I go to school. I want to disappear off the map. Just leave and go someplace new. Change my name and start over. I'll get a job in a factory or a warehouse and work most of the day. Go back to my house, eat, sleep, and go to work. Like a robot. That's all I'm really good for I suppose. I have to skills other than doing what I'm told to do. I need to get ready to leave for Pao.

I wrote a poem this morning. I haven't written a poem in years. It's untitled.

Somber is as somber lies

My heart gives up with my tear filled eyes

There's tragedy in everything

I close my eyes and sprout my wings

The longest dream I've ever had

A cold, dark room of pine wood clad

Ending is as Ending calls

A quiet peace, a lifeless doll

Midnight Movie Times

I changed my mind on making a whole new post. I was going to make it of Tracey and my adventure back home from South Carolina, but I can't draw cars too well, so I decided to give you one section from it here about The Avengers preview at the end of Captain America: The First Avenger. Keep in mind that it was two in the morning and I had been waiting for this teaser for a VERY long time...

That is me on the left...and I just now noticed that I forgot to color in one of the hearts (oh well) and Tracey is on the right. I didn't feel like drawing movie theater seats behind us because it's just too much work...Oh and P.S. I didn't actually say, "Tracey, I think I need to change my pants." It was a bit more vulgar and disturbing, but I cleaned it up for you all here. The end.

*UPDATE*

I forgot that I was going to put my other drawing that no one knows of on here. You know, the one my dad wants to put on furniture? Well, I scanned it and my scanner is to small so it cuts everything off, but it's okay for now, I suppose. I threw it on an image editor to make the lines darker, but it really doesn't do it justice (not that it deserves any in the first place...). The end again.

Oh, and it was my first time ever drawing a face and an eagle and feathers so, no judging. I know I keep saying that, but I really, really, REALLY mean it. My life and sanity depend on it right now because I DON'T show people my drawings. So, once again...no. jud. ging.uh. (the "uh" must be pronounced. It 's the only way something can be properly emphasized. But be sure to slur the last bit of the "guh" sound from the "ing" into the "uh" sound...I'm going to stop before I keep confusing all of you.)

It's a Quarter After One...

I know where the title to this post is going to take you. I'm not drunk. And I don't need you now. I just feel like writing. Cam and I are supposed to have a Skype date sometime, but I feel like that isn't going to happen today. I'm hungry. I didn't really eat anything for dinner. I had 2 corn dogs for lunch...not that any of that matters to any of you. I just don't know what to do. Oh wait! Yes, I do! I wanted to talk about how annoying I am! So for the past hour or so, I've been reading some of my posts...I am really annoying and obnoxious and whiney. I apologize for this. I had no idea that I sounded like that. I am too dramatic for my own good. I think I get that from my father. I've been trying to watch Heartbreak Ridge, but it just isn't working. It's long. And I have a short attention span...and I'm not going to lie...I don't really like Clint Eastwood that much. Is that bad? Does that make me evil? It's the second Clint Eastwood movie in a row. I don't know. I'm just rambling. I should go to bed. I need to order my books for school considering that it starts on Monday. I don't want to go to school. But I need to get good grades or I'm screwed for life. I need to post a drawing. I'll do that tomorrow.  I think I'm going to go. I don't really have too much to talk about. And I might as well go to bed, but I'll probably wait up for Cam...in case you all cared to know that last bit there...