Common Sense Needs an Operator's Manuel

Dixinary [Part Two]

I cannot believe I forgot to put some of these words in my first dixinary!

BTWW: (bee-tee-dub-dub) abrv. the phrase: by the way way. Tracey made the mistake of saying the normal "BTW" (bee-tee-dub) as "BTWW" (bee-tee-dubs), henceforth creating the phrase "by the way way."

deport: (dee-PORT) v. another word for deploy or tour of duty, when a person in the military serves time overseas. Matt was never the same after he got back from being deported.

disturbation: (dis-ter-BAY-shun) n. an emotion, the act or state of being disturbed. I can't say this book drew any emotion out of me other than disturbation.


p'jay-jay's: (puh-JAY-jays) n. the clothing one sleeps in, pajamas, pj's, jim jams. Dora felt embarrassed when she was at a sleepover because she forgot to bring her p'jay-jay's.


touzers: (TOO-zerz) n. a visitation to a beer brewery. Billy Bob was so excited to take a touzer of the Budweiser factory and couldn't wait to get his free sample.


I will have more words to come! Most of these were created in SC because Tracey and I's mouths move faster than our brains. But I really just made this post for the word "disturbation" so I could link back to it from my other blog...the end

Newsflash: "Normal"

What is the definition of "normal"?


Adjective: Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.

Noun: The usual, average, or typical state or condition

Now that that is settled, why do people ALWAYS say they aren't "normal"? I don't think there is any such thing as "normal." I was just reading some random girl's blog and she's all like, "I'm not normal. I'm a contradicting person. I'm stubborn and indecisive, shy and outgoing..." blah blah blah. Well guess what, most of the world is that way. Everyone has their contradicting qualities. I, myself, am also stubborn and indecisive, shy and outgoing, smart and retarded, etc. If you really think about it, no one is really that different from each other. Everyone has this idea about being different from each other. If everyone has that idea, doesn't that make us all the same? "I want to be different and not normal, so I'm going to pierce my face and get tattoos and not have normal colored hair!" Yeah, you're not different. You may not look like you did a year ago, but I would still consider you normal and just like everybody else. We all have the same desires deep down. There is no denying it. It's called growing up. So don't go around telling people that you're "different" or "not normal" because the person you're talking to thinks the same about him/herself. That is really weird. The word "him" is a REALLY weird word. It's freaking me out. I'm going to stop writing. 

The Do's and Don'ts of Reading

I love books. I love to read. In fact, I love reading so much that I'm willing to let people borrow my books so they, too, can enjoy reading. They borrow my book and hand it back with such happiness that we both share a wonderful conversation about it later. But some people just don't understand the concept of book borrowing at all, so I'm here to spell out the do's and don'ts of book borrowing for them...


TO DO:

NOT TO DO:

I hope this helped. I tried to dumb it down as fas as I possibly could to ensure complete comprehension. I'm going to go now because I can and I hear my dog doing destructive things downstairs...

Things I DON'T Need to See

Here is the long awaited blog post. I know it's not really "long awaited" because no one has really been waiting for it to come out (other than my boyfriend, but that doesn't really count). Please enjoy...or don't enjoy I could really care less how you feel about this post. I'm just going to ramble for a bit because I don't want to type all of this out even though it's already been written. Okay, I think I'm done complaining about typing and I'll get on with complaining about other things.


Why is it that people feel the need to show me disturbing and psychologically damaging images? Is it written on my forehead: PLEASE SHOW ME THINGS THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT OR THAT WILL SCAR ME FOR LIFE? Apparently...

I don't care to see these things mostly because they don't apply to me. Did you hear that? I DON'T CARE!!! Or I do care...for my mental wellbeing. Here, you shall understand...


1) Festering Wounds

Ew. No. Don't show me your oozing, infected wounds. It's your own fault that you were gardening in shorts and you missed that weed and got a hoe stuck in your shin bone. It's your own fault that you didn't go to the doctor and claimed pine needles would heal it. So please, don't show me.


2) Forwarded Emails/Text Messages

This is why I don't give old people my email address and tell people that my picture messaging doesn't work. It really works perfectly fine; I just don't want to see a buttload of penises. That's gross. I don't want to see a dinosaur with a penis body, or a Big Mac with a penis as the burger. I don't want to see a girl having sexual relations with a horse...or a spatula.

No. That's just wrong. And those forwarded emails!

Wow, that is just adorable. It's so adorable that I might just throw up. You're so old that you think this is a real photo. The pixels don't even match up! I don't care!


3) Fat People
Yes, hate me. Nah, I'm kidding. I don't mind seeing fat people. I live in Indiana; I'm surrounded by them.

The fat I can see. THIS...

I cannot. Actually, it doesn't even matter if it's on a fat lady. It could be on anyone and I'll throw up. I won't judge you for wearing a thong. That's your own personal business. I judge you for flaunting it in front of the world. It's not "sexy." It's disturbing.


4) Drunk People Videos

I'm sorry, but I don't find drunk people funny. I find it sad that people have gone so far that they can't even sit without falling backwards. I don't wan to watch someone basically kill themselves. There is only one instance that I have found a drunk person funny, and I wasn't even really there to witness in person...

It was funny...I don't know why.


5) Pictures of Your Children
I sound like an ass. I don't mind looking at family pictures; I just don't want to see those ugly babies

Yikes! You'd better hope that kid grows out of that nose or you are in for some great times ahead. And by that I mean bullies. Great times...fun times. Gotta love those ugly babies...


6) Tattoos
I love tattoos. I want a bunch of tattoos, but there are certain ones that I don't need to see. Like this girl that lived a couple doors down from me in college a year ago.

Not really a bad tattoo (and by that I mean "not offensive." I could go on about how this is a retarded tattoo, but I'm not her so I won't get into that), but where it was...

[please say the following with a crappy Scottish accent] MY E'ES!!! She would walk around the floor with no clothes on. I am scarred for life.


7) Semi-Popular Youtube Videos
If the above hasn't given me nightmares, this definitely has. Men dressed as women singing about how they want to have sex with women dressed as men is not my idea of a good time. I also don't want to see videos of hairy, middle-aged men singing about business time.

I'm basically curled in a ball, rocking back and forth thinking about it right now.


8) PDA

I hate PDA more than anything in the whole world at this particular moment in time. You couples with your lovey-dovey, mushiness holding hands down the street. Gross. I'm kidding. Holding hands is fine, but anything beyond that is not anything I need or care to see.


9) Feet
Ugh...I hate feet. Please don't show them to me. This is what feet look like to normal people...

This is what feet look like to me...

They haunt me. Don't show me your feet.

10) Pictures of Myself
Please don't show me pictures of myself. I don't want to see them, especially the old ones...like this one.

It's embarrassing. And humiliating. I don't even know why I put that picture up. I'll end this post with this picture so you forget about that one.

And there you have it. That is the blog post. It sucks, I know. And just as a little disclaimer: There is no harm or malice toward the people that have shown me the above images. They were the only examples I could think of at the time. I still love you, just not what you showed me. P.S. Don't judge my photoshop skills for the Bieber Lisa. I didn't pass my graphic arts class. Okay, well I think that about wraps it up. Have a glorious day, y'all.

Valentine's Day!

Awhile back (Halloween to be exact) I told all of you that Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday.  And since Valentine's Day is around the corner, I've decided to post this because I think it's funny and because I have no other ideas to post.  I also said that I would explain why I love Valentine's Day so much, but I can't really explain it other than the fact that you get presents and candy.  See, Halloween rocks because you get candy, but Valentine's Day is better because the presents are added to that.  Who cares if there's no "lover" to give those presents.  Friends and family members who pity you also give these things.  :D Yay!  Blah blah blah, I'm just filling up space until I think it's about time to move onto the next section of this post.  And that would be right about now...


So my senior year of high school, my friend KaylaAnn asked me to fill out a piece of paper.  I asked what it was for and she said, "It's for the school newspaper.  The deadline is this Friday; could you get it back to me tomorrow?"  Of course I agreed that I could because I've had to do last minute projects before also.  I looked down at the piece of paper and guess what it was about.  Valentine's Day dates.  I immediately sharted my pants.  I had no idea how to answer any of the questions.  I left school that day and went straight to jump rope practice where I saw none other than my BFF Brett...


Me: "Hey, Princess!  Can you help me answer some of these questions?!"
Brett: "What questions?"
Me: "Ones about Valentine's Day..."
Brett: "Ooh...**eyebrows**"


I handed him the pieces of paper with the Valentine's interview questions and he grabbed a pen.  He proceeded to fill out the paper like he was being me...


Q: What is the most romantic place for a Valentine's date?  Why do you say that?
A: Joseph's [Joseph Decuis] because it's the closest thing to Paris in Indiana.


Q: What is a cheap (but good!) place for a Valentine's date?
A: Krispy Kreme because you get free V-day cards with every purchase!


Q: Would you rather go out to a cheap and convenient restaurant/fast food, or go to a nice and rather expensive locale?  Why?
A: Nice and rather expensive because I'm a girl. Psh, I'm not paying!


Q: Overall, what is the absolute BEST place for a Valentine's date (in Huntington, Fort Wayne, Marion, etc...)?
A: The dinner theater because I'm too lazy to go to two locales in one night.


Q: What is the worst?  Why do you say that?
A: Anywhere Italian.  Who wants to kiss a guy with garlic breath?!


Q: Would you prefer to eat out, or eat a home-cooked meal for Valentine's Day?  Why or why not?
A:  Home-cooked meal, if they have a steamy, hot, hottub.
(Alternate answer he didn't write down: Homecooked meal, it's closer to the bedroom)


Q: What is the most romantic non-food place for a Valentine's Day date?
A: The most romantic place would be at a huge log cabin at a pond with a toasty fireplace.


Q: What is a cheap (but good!) [non-food] place for a Valentine's date?
A: The Roller Dome because they have some pretty entertaining booty-poppin' dancers


Q: Would you rather go to a cheap and typical location, or an exclusive and pricey location for Valentine's Day?  Why?
A: An exclusive and pricey location because I'm not paying


Q: Overall, what is the absolute BEST [non-food] place for a Valentine's date (in Huntington, Fort Wayne, Marion, etc...)?  Why do you say that?
A: The Lexus dealer because that would mean I would be getting a new car.


Q: What is the worst?  Why do you say that?
A: Unfortunately this answer has been lost in time :(


Q: What is your favorite location for a date?
A: Anywhere as long as I'm with my man


Q: How far will you travel for a great date?
A: As far as it takes...


Q: Amongst your friends, what is the most popular locale for dates?
A: Jefferson Pointe


The next day I gave the papers back to KaylaAnn with high hopes that they would be put in the school newspaper.  Unfortunately, she had someone else fill out the interview as well because her teacher said that my answers were "inappropriate."  Psh, inappropriate my arse!  This is what they printed:


Still looking for a place for that Valentine's date?
By KAYLA ANN VILLANUEVA Copy Editor
     With Valentine's Day being just around the corner, odds are that song Huntington North High School couples may still need some tips on great places for a Valentine's Day date.
     For dinner dates, several students suggested Applebee's or Bob Evans in Huntington, A Fort Wayne dinner theater, or various venues at Jefferson Pointe.
     Senior Kristina Hoover recommends, "Joseph's [in Roanoke], because it's the closest thing to Paris in Indiana."
     If you and your dinner date would like to still have a great time, but are on a budget, consider a home-cooked meal.
     When questioned about the absolutely most romantic place for a date, Hoover modestly responded, "The Lexus dealer because that would mean I'm getting a new car."
     Other non-dining suggestions by students included putt-putting, visiting a Krispy Kreme, seeing a movie, or going to the Roller Dome.
     It doesn't really matter where you go for your Valentine's Day date, as long as you both have an enjoyable time.
     Some places to avoid may include, "Anywhere Italian.  Who wants to kiss a guy [or girl] with garlic breath?" added Hoover.


What is that?  Seriously.  That is LAME!!!  I sound like a dumbass.  I don't appreciate this at all.  And since this post is boring and pictureless...I'd like to leave you with this fawesome drawing of me and my love for Valentine's Day*...

*Please note that Valentine's Day poops SweetHearts and prances around throwing roses while screaming cheesy pick-up lines.

Ridiculous

Why do I only have 6 followers?  That needs to change.  Everyone who reads this blog needs to follow it.  This is an amaxing blog!  (No, I did  not spell amaxing wrong.  I spell it with an x.)  I think I'm going to make a post about all the words/phrases I've made up so you all understand better.  It's like my own Urban Dictionary but xina-ized...


amaxing: (uh-MAY-zing) adj. like amazing but ten times greater.  Kristina Hoover is so amaxing!


creeperbate: (KREE-per-bate) v. the act of pleasuring oneself while stalking someone.  Juaquin broke his leg falling out of a tree when he went to creeperbate while watching Raquel through her window.


nosferataur: (nahs-fer-AH-tar) n. a mythical being that is the vampiric form of a centaur.  Fabio battled six nosferataur in his front yard yesterday afternoon and stabbed himself in the leg.


rapelationship: (raip-LAY-shun-ship) n. a relationship between two people, usually a guy and a girl, that is forced to be in existence over time by one or more other people.  Jonas went out with his friend Terry along with his [Jonas'] girlfriend and her friend Ursula for the seventh time hoping to create a rapelationship between the two of them.


**Sigh** I can't remember all of my made-up words.  I guess this dixinary is going to have to be in different parts.  I'm really just putting this up because I feel like I haven't posted in a while.  I need to draw some stuff too.  I suppose I could update this later and put pictures to it.  But I don't want to have to draw for all of my blog posts.  It takes a lot of time and energy to do so.  Bleh, I'm so tired and bored and I just wanna go home even though I'm sitting (more like laying) on the couch in my livingroom right now.  I hate working.  I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  Or ever.  If I could just not work for the rest of my life that would be dandy.  So whoever wants to fund the rest of my life please contact me because I'm not working.  The end.

Rules of the Rural

Living in rural (if you can call it rural) Indiana, I've noticed that there are a few unspoken rules that we country-folk live by.  One of these rules applies to waving.  It is common knowledge that one must wave to a man on a tractor.  No matter who he is or what he is doing, you have to wave.

The same applies to you as well.  No matter who you are or what you're doing, you have to wave.  You could be out having a grand stroll in the sun when a tractor putt-putts by.  YOU MUST WAVE!!!  You could be driving to the local university to pick up a couple friends to go to the mall when a tractor threatens to run you over.  YOU MUST WAVE!!!  You could be doing some light gardening outside when a tractor drives by.  And then drives by again...and possibly a third or fourth time.  YOU MUST WAVE!!!

And no matter what the tractor man has to wave back to you.  Sometimes, though, the tractor man will initiate the wave.  That is okay as long as you wave back.  I've never wanted to know what would happen if I didn't wave back to a man on a tractor.  Karma would most likely get the best of me and I don't even believe in Karma!  I'm pretty sure this is what would happen to me if I didn't wave back to a man on a tractor...*

*Please note that Michelleobama Rex shoots lasers out of her eyes and farts nuclear explosions


Now sometimes you will find yourself waving or being waved at by someone who is not on a tractor.  They, just like you, are a regular civilian.  And just as there are rules for waving in the country.  There are rules for waving within waving.  These rules are called sub-rules and they apply to waving to a civilian.  They are as follows:


RULE #1: No more than a straight face or slight smile is needed with the wave.
If you have any other facial expression, people might think you have an agenda of some sort and start spreading nasty rumors about you...

RULE #2: Do not shake your hand when waving.  A simple lift of the arm will suffice.
More than one shake of the hand or arm is frowned upon by country-folk.  They will think lesser of you if you do so...

RULE #3: Verbal communication is not needed.  That is coupled with a nod.
It is imperative that people know the difference between a nod and a wave.  Nods can only be used in a walking setting whereas waves can be used with any sort of transportation.  A nod with verbal communication is not an introduction to conversation.  A wave is. When someone waves and speaks to you at the same time, they usually want to keep talking.  To avoid awkward situations with people you don't know, don't talk while waving.

Okay, well I suppose that would be all.  And please note that all of these drawings are fictitious.  None of them have ever happened to me or anyone I know.  I have not, nor will I ever garden naked and people usually don't go around accusing me of such vulgar and compromising actions...The end.