Thank God for my Parents

In all my years, I never thought I would say those words. This month and last month have definitely been the hardest on me financially. There have been more unexpected expenses in the last two months that have just drained me of everything I have. I owe my parents so much now and I am so thankful for them. Especially my dad (definitely NEVER thought I would say those words). Thank you God for the father you have given me. As most of you know, I've been struggling with God for...most of my life. More so after I went to Huntington. Huntington was the worst thing that could ever happen with my relationship with God and for the past two years, I am ashamed to say that He was nearly absent in my life. Well, this year, as a bit of a resolution, I decided that I need to get back to Him. I started out small with prayers throughout the day and I tried a different approach with praise instead of just "Hello...I'm walking to class and talking to You at the same time..." And it worked. For the first two weeks of class I felt better and things were going well until Doubt came in. I started thinking that God is only helping me for now and that soon it'll go back to the way it was where I'm ignored. And as soon as that happened, everything started going wrong. I got angry, reclusive, and stressed. But last night I got that song stuck in my head that goes "I will cast all of my cares upon You..." I don't really know the rest of the song, but I tried it as hard as it was to do it. Trust is so hard, but I have what I need now. I just really hope that this one resolution is one that I stick to...

Unfortunate Friends

I haven't posted anything in quite some time and I apologize for that. If you haven't heard the news from someone, Cam and I are now engaged. The funny thing is that the happiest person about this isn't Cam...or me; It's my brother :P haha. But that sad thing is...through this big, momentous happening, I've found out just how little friends I (/we) have. I know I've said before that I don't have friends, but now it's like, "Wow...I really don't have friends..." There have only been about 10 people that have congratulated us. That's including family. Granted, it's not like Cam and I have been together for all that long or have been notorious for being the "oh they're totally going to get married some day" couple-without-being-a-couple. But honestly it really upsets me that no one cares. Probably one of the biggest and most hurtful is that a person I've known since the second grade and that I have considered one of my best friends for that long, and whom I live with hasn't said one word to me. I know she knows about it. There's no way she doesn't. But would it kill her to even ask if it's real? And another person whom I would consider a best friend has talked to me, but seems like they're ignoring the fact that it happened. This really makes things difficult planning-wise. Most of you know that I don't have many girl friends. Never have. I just don't get along with girls. But the two girls that have been some of the closest girl friends to me and whom I would put in the wedding party haven't said one thing. It just really seems like they don't care about me. I'm not going to ask someone to be there for me on one of the biggest days of my life if they could care less about it. Who am I going to make my bridesmaids? It's really stressful because Cam already knows everyone who he wants to be his groomsmen...and I don't have anyone. I have one person. Brett. The greatest best friend anyone could ever have. But my dad doesn't want Brett to stand on my side. That's another thing. My dad. He doesn't seem too happy about this whole thing. He still wants to hang on to me forever (which is weird because he has never showed any sort of affection toward me). I don't want my dad to give me away. I never have. Ever since I was little, I had always wanted my big brother Michael to give me away. He's been more there for me than my dad ever has, is, or ever will be. But my dad won't let that happen. I feel like...just how everything else in my life...this wedding has to be for my dad's approval. This isn't going to be Cameron and My day, it's going to be my dad's. I have to pretty much settle for Michael being an usher...and I have to put Mark in it. I don't want Mark in my wedding. I barely know him. I lived with him for 2 years during school. Most of which I was either at jump rope practice, with Brett, or shut in my room. And then for another year which I was either out with friends, working, with Cam, or shut in my room. He isn't anything to me. Sure I care about it. He's starting to feel more like a family member, but not enough to put him in my wedding. I suggested making him the person that passes out programs or something, but of course to Dad, that just doesn't cut it. Where else am I going to put him? Also, my dad doesn't approve of the attire. Both Cameron and I want everyone in the wedding party to wear chucks. But no, Dad doesn't like it. We wanted a restaurant to cater for the reception, but nope. Dad knows a guy who can cater. Since he (and I use that very loosely) is paying for this wedding, I suppose he does have some say in the food, but I don't want him to pick and choose who my closest friends are. He's controlled me for this long, but I really just want to put my foot down this time. Yes, I don't have very many friends. I only have 2 people who can be my maids and one of them is waaaaaay up in the air, but I don't want my dad to put people in my life that have never really...been in my life. This is supposed to be one of the most memorable days of my life. I want to remember it as the best day ever. Not a day where I put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay. I do that every day. And it's not how I want the beginning of the rest of my life.

Common Sense Needs an Operator's Manuel

Wake Up Falls and Unanswered Phones

Here I am, just laying in my bed. I am at a lack of tiredness as of the moment. And I need to work in about 6 hours. I couldn't sleep earlier so I called Cam and we skyped for a little and I either fell asleep on him (which was pretty much my whole intention...sort of) or the battery on my computer died. So I had been sleeping for about and hour when I hear people stomping into the house...of course all of this had been all jumbled up into my dream so I brushed it off until I heard a loud boom and a blood-curdling scream. Bam. At that moment I shot up and was like "What the heck is going on?!" I hear lots more stomping and yelling and slurred yelling and try to decipher what just happened and whether it needed my attention or an ambulance's. This continued for about 5 minutes and none of the noise died down. I figured everyone had gone out and got drunk and now they were all yelling at each other, so I decided to (very reluctantly) get out of bed and tell them to shut the eff up. I get out of bed and Tracey is frantically walking around and I'm not quite sure what happened next but I know I angrily told her about a scream that woke me up and she said that something had fallen on her foot. Okay, so next I go into the kitchen and try to tell everyone to quiet down a bit (at this point I did not know the extent of everybody's drunkenness) and Tracey's friend Jake is like "Oh, sorry, Kristina!" and hugs me and Stephanie is like "Have you had some cake?!" and Mikey's dad is like, "Christina! Take me away! Take me away!" and Mikey is like, "Yeah this is totally his first beer..." Tracey comes up to me explaining that everyone is drunk out of their minds and that she's handling it and that I should go back to bed. I don't know if any of you know this, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to get away from a drunk person who wants to talk to you. And I was surrounded by 4 of them. Tracey was trying her hardest to take care of them, and if I didn't have to get some sleep I totally would have helped her. A back massage, 2 other serenades, and a yeah-me-and-the-fork-go-way-back later, I finally got away. I've tried twice to call Cam to no avail, so I'm here writing this blog post. About halfway through writing it sounded as if Tracey got everyone to bed, but I'm not tired. I'm going to try to go to bed now. I really need to get some sleep. I haven't gotten much in the last week and the next week isn't going to be much better...

There Really isn't Enough Time in the World...

I am taking time right now out of my ever-busy schedule to write this post. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am weary. I am fatigued. I am this excerpt from the dictionary on my computer: Tired is what you are after you've cleaned the house, spent two hours reading a dull report, or trained for a marathon; it means that you are drained of your strength and energy, without giving any indication of degree. Weary, on the other hand, is how you feel after you've had to interrupt your dinner five or six times to answer the phone. It implies not only a depletion of energy but also the vexation that accompanies having to put up with something that is, or has become, disagreeable. Exhausted means that you are totally drained of strength and energy, a condition that may even be irreversible (: exhausted by battling a terminal disease). Fatigued is a more precise word than either tired or weary; it implies a loss of energy through strain, illness, or overwork to the point where rest or sleep is essential (: fatigued after working a 24-hour shift). Tuckered is an informal word that comes close in meaning to fatigued or exhausted, but often carries the suggestion of loss of breath (: tuckered out after running up six flights of stairs). I need to be working on my peanuts right now, but I just don't have anything in me to do it. I've pooped about three times today which I'm pretty sure isn't good. I've been looking for information for my speech because my outline is due on Wednesday. I have so much to do. I've done quite a few things today off of my to-do list. I called Pay-less back asking about my application/interview. She said she hadn't looked at it yet and that she would call me back in 15 minutes. Well, that was almost 3 hours ago. I had to go to a computer lab to save my designs on Franklin. Tracey went with me and we walked into a lab that said "OPEN" and when we got out it said "CLASS IN SESSION" so we have no idea what was going on. I finished my math homework fairly quickly. It was only 7 questions and they were all about time and area. Super easy stuff that I got right on the first try. I was very proud of myself. Tracey just came into my room and told me that I look like death. Yeah...I feel like death. Is it bad that this is only a 100th of how I felt at Huntington? I was literally a zombie. Or really more like a robot. A zombie-robot? I went through the motions and I was dead inside. I felt nothing. I remember nothing. And I honestly don't want to. Now I want to make about post about zombie-robots. Actually I don't. But I need to get going. My peanuts are still unfinished.

Ugly Peanuts and Dirty Hands

So for my drawing class this week, we've been drawing peanuts. I hate peanuts. I can't draw peanuts. The only way my peanuts look normal is if you are halfway across the room and squinting. My hands get covered in charcoal and it sucks. Grandpa is watching a movie about the KKK. They're killing the guy right now in a gas chamber (and by "the guy" I mean the guy who was in the KKK and was on death row). It's over now. Anyway, I'm just writing a post so you all know I'm still alive. The post before the last one was pretty emo...complete with poetic suicide. I must say that I'm throughly embarrassed by it, but I'm not going to take it off. I hide and cower from people all the time, so why hide things with my blog? I actually think I'm going to go. Hope you all enjoyed the last blog! :)

I Don't Feel Like Writing a Title

Today, I discovered that I'm a bitch and an asshole and that I expect to be treated like I'm special and better than everybody else. I had no idea that I was this way. But I've come to the conclusion that it is the reason I have no friends anymore. I really honestly don't want to be treated any different than anyone else. I actually prefer to be treated like a piece of shit. New things scare me, so being treated like a king freaks me out. And I'm not better than anyone else. I am worthless. And I truly believe that. I'm writing this for myself; I'm not looking for your "Oh, you're not and asshole"s, your "You're not worthless"s, or your "Yeah, you totally are"s. I don't care. Keep your opinions to yourself this time. (Not that you've expressed your opinions/feelings before.) I don't know how to change. Do I have to do the opposite of what I usually want to do? I'm so confused. So lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm going to try my hardest to avoid everyone today. I'm going to have to be in Pao for about four hours everyday this weekend and Monday anyways, so it shouldn't be too hard. I'll spend my time in my room instead of out in the living room this week, and when Friday comes around I'll quietly collect my things and leave for home. But it's not a home anymore. I don't have a bed. A place to stay. A place to escape. Where do I go? I keep having the urge to maim myself in some way. As punishment for how I've treated everyone I know in the past. I didn't mean to. I didn't know. And I'm sorry to those of you who are reading this right now if I've been a bitch or an asshole to you. Feel free to cut all contacts with me. This is why I need to be alone. So I don't hurt anyone anymore. I've always told myself that I'd be alone because I didn't want to get hurt, but now I realize that it's because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I am the worst person on the face of the Earth. I deserve to drown on a sidewalk in a torrential rain just like the worm that I am. I'm not fit to be around people. I think maybe next year I'll get an apartment by myself a couple miles from campus. I think that would be best for everybody. Or maybe I won't go back to school. It'll look bad that I quit school for a second time, but I really don't think college is for me. Bad things always happen when I go to school. I want to disappear off the map. Just leave and go someplace new. Change my name and start over. I'll get a job in a factory or a warehouse and work most of the day. Go back to my house, eat, sleep, and go to work. Like a robot. That's all I'm really good for I suppose. I have to skills other than doing what I'm told to do. I need to get ready to leave for Pao.

I wrote a poem this morning. I haven't written a poem in years. It's untitled.

Somber is as somber lies

My heart gives up with my tear filled eyes

There's tragedy in everything

I close my eyes and sprout my wings

The longest dream I've ever had

A cold, dark room of pine wood clad

Ending is as Ending calls

A quiet peace, a lifeless doll

It's a Quarter After One...

I know where the title to this post is going to take you. I'm not drunk. And I don't need you now. I just feel like writing. Cam and I are supposed to have a Skype date sometime, but I feel like that isn't going to happen today. I'm hungry. I didn't really eat anything for dinner. I had 2 corn dogs for lunch...not that any of that matters to any of you. I just don't know what to do. Oh wait! Yes, I do! I wanted to talk about how annoying I am! So for the past hour or so, I've been reading some of my posts...I am really annoying and obnoxious and whiney. I apologize for this. I had no idea that I sounded like that. I am too dramatic for my own good. I think I get that from my father. I've been trying to watch Heartbreak Ridge, but it just isn't working. It's long. And I have a short attention span...and I'm not going to lie...I don't really like Clint Eastwood that much. Is that bad? Does that make me evil? It's the second Clint Eastwood movie in a row. I don't know. I'm just rambling. I should go to bed. I need to order my books for school considering that it starts on Monday. I don't want to go to school. But I need to get good grades or I'm screwed for life. I need to post a drawing. I'll do that tomorrow.  I think I'm going to go. I don't really have too much to talk about. And I might as well go to bed, but I'll probably wait up for Cam...in case you all cared to know that last bit there...

Roommate Bonding Time

So today is roommate bonding day. Except Brett is not here. He's going to jump rope. I think Mike is pretty much awesome. But I think he hates me. And now were attempting to watch Gran Torino. And now he just left. I really need to find something to blog about. I started the last comic, but I have decided that it's not really working out. I have one drawing that I could post because it's pretty funny. My heart feels like it's going to explode. Caffeine is not good for me. And that just made me think of the bacon is good for me. I'd link to it, but I don't feel like it because I'm lazy. I'm going to go because I'm bored and because I can...

Sitting, Listening, and Thirsting

So here I am in my room sitting on my futon and listening to Noah and the Whale whilst thirsting for water. I'm too lazy to get up and go downstairs to get some. Yes, I know. I'm pretty pathetic, but I have decided to write today to let you all know what has happened in the last week or so...


Saturday, July 30. Quite an eventful day I must say. My sister and I (as well as the rest of the family) traversed two hours down to the little town of Delphi, IN to do none other than jump out of an airplane two miles above the earth and safely float down. It was the MOST AWESOME THING I'VE EVER DONE!!! They say that skydiving is addicting. I would have to agree. Everyone is like, "Whoa! I want to go skydiving!" Well, I will most definitely go with you! My shadow has been IN a rainbow. Can you say that? No. No, you can't. A rainbow! Oh, and just a btww...clouds...yeah, they're warm.


Monday, August 1. Also another eventful day. My big brother and I traversed two hours down to wes lala to move some of my stuff into my house. I have a house! :D It's a very old house...and my room is smaller, but I have a house! It looks bigger because I don't have all of my stuff in it, it has 8ft ceilings and a window that isn't blocked by a giant pine tree. Seriously...the room here has no floor because it's covered by so much stuff. And that is NOT because my room is dirty.


I guess that would be about it. I took a shower today and realized that all of my clothes have been packed away. How dumb is that? I had to open up the storage bin and grab some clothes for the next coming days. Anyway, I suppose that would be about all I have to say. (P.S. I may or may not be drawing a new comic post...the end! :D )

Stupid Body!

So my body has begun to do this thing...where if feels like sneezing...and then it won't. It's really started to piss me off! When I need to sneeze I should sneeze! Not have it trapped inside for 3 days! It's ridiculous! I don't understand why it's just started now! I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm not like "Whoa I have to sneeze! I'm gonna stop it!" No. I'm like "Whoa I have to sneeze...wait for it...wait for it...damn." because it decides not to come out. Dumb! Anyway, my foot's asleep so I should go.

The First Stages of Moving Have Begun!

It's true. I have begun to pack my things up. I have so much junk! I don't know what to do with all of it! I want to throw it all out, but I don't know if I can. Are people allowed to throw out remote control trucks? What do I do with all of my high school art projects? Can I really give a shirt to Goodwill that has my name on the back of it? I know these are frivolous questions and you're probably thinking, "Really, Kristina? Really? Just get rid of it all. Who cares?" And I know it seems that easy, but I have this gene...that requires me to over-think things and also to keep things forever. Both of my parents are kind of, well, packrats. Not as bad as those nasty people they have TV specials about, but none of us really know how to throw things out. Anyway, I have four storage bins packed and ready to go, I'm working on a fifth, and I have one of those plastic storage drawer things filled with office-type supplies. I can't decide whether I want to take my bed down on the first or my futon. It would be easier to take the futon since there's going to be multiple people going in and out of the house on the first, but on the other hand, it would be easier to get my bed out now so I have room in my room to get other things out...like my desk. I should stop worrying about this. It's giving me diarrhea. Oh. My. Gosh. That is the first time I've spelled diarrhea right on the first try! :D I don't know why this makes me so happy...

I Did It!

I did. I got me a Google+ ...I don't know if I should be proud of this or not. So if you want to you should all add me to your circles because you should :) mk? Mk. Welp, Princess is begging me to leave Burger King now because he has to leave and apparently I can't stay here by myself because of this...toodles!

Update from SC

This is a response to my big brother's comment on my last post. Yes, I am jumping out of a plane with Ate and I apologize for not informing you of such. I'm surprised she hasn't said anything to you. You guys talk a lot, right? And I would greatly appreciate you taking stuff down, but I think I can make it work. From reading your blog you will probably be in school when I'm moving, so I don't want to inconvenience you with such trivial things. And I was kind of exaggerating with the whole job thing. My pay at VB makes about $100 less in one week than 20hrs at minimum wage for one month makes. I took taxes at 20% to do my calculations for this. I will have to work a minimum of 30hrs to make enough to pay for rent, utilities, food, and tv/internet. This still makes me want to die. I'm almost going to have to have a full-time job just to survive. I'm going to have to work more than I'm going to school. I don't want to get student loans. I don't want to graduate with debt, but I know I'll have to. I'm not going to get a job when I graduate unless I work at a Lowe's for the rest of my life. My skin keeps breaking out in eczema from stress. And since scars don't tan, I look like a spotty leper since my normal skin is about 6 shades darker (I've moved on to a regular complaint from a response to the comment if you haven't noticed). I know I shouldn't care about my looks, but it's just not helping the stress factor. I'm too distracted by things right now. I'll finish this post at a later date...to be continued...

I Can't Do This

I am dying. I can't do this. I can't move. I only have a month and a day left here in my house. One week of that is going to be spent in South Carolina with Tracey and another day of that month is going to be spent jumping out of a plane with my sister. I've tried to start packing today, but I can't. I'm still missing stuff and I feel like I won't ever get it. I asked my dad to build me a tv stand. I don't think that's going to happen. My sister said she would give me her shelves. How? She's leaving almost a month after I do, so her stuff is still going to be on those shelves when I leave. I have too much stuff for the boxes I have to pack them in. And I know I'm forgetting stuff. I hate not knowing what will happen also. I hate not knowing for sure if we have a fourth person in our house. I hate not knowing if I'll get a job. I have to get a job. If I don't, I won't be able to pay for the house. And even if I do get the job, it won't pay enough a month to pay for all my bills. Going for making enough to pay the bills in one week of work to making less than that in one month of work is going to be hard. I don't think I should have gone back to school. I just...I don't know! I don't know anything! I don't even know what my freaking house looks like! I am the stupidest person in the entire universe. I don't even know if I can move all my stuff down in two trips. I'm going to look dead again. School is going to be the death of me. I won't have time for anything. What am I going to do? Okay, I'm going to leave now because Mark's little friend is creeping me the eff out!

FYI: I Don't Do Drugs

This is to you, Jerry Paris! I know you're not an internet junkie, so you won't ever see this, but that is not the point. I don't do drugs. I have never done drugs. I will never do drugs. Just because I draw pictures of zombies and tape them to your computer doesn't mean that I'm on drugs. Yes, I am quite loud and obnoxious at times. And I do have a very disturbing mind. And I laugh a lot. But those are not signs of drug use. You should know this! You did do drugs! I think you're just a jerk face. And a creepy, dirty, old man.


Now that that is out of my system, I would like to tell you all that I am feeling much better. I would have to thank one of my old obsessions, Arsenie Todiras, for that (If you don't know who he is you can google him. He was one of the singers for O-ZONE...and if you don't know who they are this will explain everyting). I just discovered he has a whole bunch of new songs. It pretty much made my day. I would also have to say that I'm in a better mood because I've been working. The past couple months I've been super stressed because I had no source of income and I had a quite a few things to purchase for my house in the fall. Living is expensive! One of the things I appreciate that my parents did was that they paid for everything growing up. I don't appreciate how they never prepared me for paying for things on my own. I don't like paying for my own gas. I don't like to go anywhere because of it. And the times I've bought groceries...goodness! You barely get anything and it's almost $100! Why?! Anyways, this weekend I'm probably going to do some painting. Not like...artistic, Bob Ross painting. More like...my bookshelf and desk are unfinished and they need a splash of color. I haven't decided what color(s) to paint them, though. I was planning on going to Wal*Marx and just picking up some random color whether it matches anything I have or not.


On another note, I am sorry that I have turned this blog into a rant/journal of my life. I was planning on it to primarily be for drawings/comics, but I just don't know what to draw. I keep forgetting to scan in that drawing that Cameron saw. I've shown quite a few people (and by that I mean my family, Cameron, and Brett) and of course the first thing my dad says is, "Oh! That would look neat going across the top of a dresser!" Thanks, Dad, for turning EVERYTHING into woodworking. I am proud of him, though. It's taken him a very long time to find his "calling." He's going to use one of my ideas for his Fellowship project. I'm glad that his Fellowship mentor is Michael Fortune. Should I put a link to him? Here's one. Michael Fortune is very artistic with his furniture (yet it's still functional as furniture...crazy, right?!) and I'm thinkin' that it'll open up my dad's artistic side a bit. Kind of lean him toward the art/artists-aren't-really-so-bad-and-they-can-be-normal-people-of-society-so-you-should-support-your-least-favorite-daughter-in-her-life-choices direction. Was that a bit bold of me to say? Oh! Just as a side note, I don't know if I can scan in the drawing. It's drawn on actual sketch paper unlike the rest of my drawings, so the paper is too big for my scanner/printer machine-thinger. But I will find a way! I don't remember if I posted the drawing I drew at Kayla/Micah's house. Let me check real quick...[BAD GRAMMAR!!!] I didn't. I know I posted it on Facebook; I don't know why I didn't post it here.

This was also drawn on sketch paper, so it's cut off on the bottom. Originally, I drew the "Gylycan." It was a weird creature from my dream the previous night that I was trying to explain to Cameron. I grabbed his sketch book and made a rough sketch of it. Please note that "Gylycan" was the name my brain made up for this creature. I drew it actual size. It kind of looked like a rabbit/ewok/mouse. It was about 3-4 inches tall and lived in holes in my house. It had really long horns coming out of the sides of its head and wore a brown suit. It was also brown and furry and according to my dream these were mythical creatures that Josh Gates was searching for in Destination Truth. Somehow, though, I made these creatures mad and they were going to send goblins after me...which is why it's yelling, "GOBLINS!!!" Back to the drawings, though. The next thing I drew was the eyeball bat. I don't know where it came from. I drew a circle and it led to an eye, and that led to wings, and that led to feet. It's probably one of the drawings I am most proud of which is why I dedicated it to my big brother on Facebook, but he didn't have anything to say about apparently (Thanks, Michael, for crushing my dreams! I'm just kidding :) <3 ). The next thing I drew was the other eye underneath it. It is insignificant. Next I drew out the Lucky Charms because that's what I draw when I can't think of anything else to draw. Next I drew my friend Tyler. He had been asking me for some time to draw him and make a blog post about him. I haven't really thought of anything to say about him and I would like to draw him out on regular computer paper so I can color him and such. Personally, I think it looks exactly like him, but he (and most of his friends) beg to differ. I'm sorry that I don't draw people with noses or fingers or make them look EXACTLY like a person! I draw cartoons not portraits! Then the last thing a drew was the "Not as Extremely Badass as My Other Werewolf." It really isn't as awesome as the one I drew on my wall. I'll have to take a picture of it sometime so I can show you. It's utterly epic. Utterly epic in the sense that it was one of the first real drawings that I had made in almost five years. I started drawing it in pen and switched to pencil in case I messed up. Anyway, I think I'm going to get off my computer and waste my life by playing on my Xbox. Haha, not much of a change, but I don't have enough gas to really go anywhere and Cameron's friends are awkward to hang out with when he isn't there (plus they hate me even though they say they don't and they consider me their friend and not just Cameron's girlfriend even though I knew them and considered them friends before I even knew Cameron existed...that's a lot of "even though's.") OH MY GOOD N PLENTY!!! THERE IS A WASP IN MY ROOM!!! Now I have to go because I need to kill it. Speaking of! There was a baby spider at work today hopping about the tables. Literally. It was JUMPING!!! It freaked me out, so I ripped a piece of packaging tape and slammed it down on top of it. It was still squirming and such so I took a box cutter to it. I am so cruel >:) Bah! Distractions! (That's how you know I'm not hating my life so much anymore :) ) Laterzzzzzzz!

I'm Really for Realz a Boilermaker

I scheduled my classes today. I am in the class of 2015. I will never graduate from college. I can tell you that right now. Today, I wanted to die. It was one of the worst days of my life. The past couple months made me think that maybe...just maybe I don't actually do everything wrong. But today, it was proven that that isn't so. I want to die right now. I want to curl up in a ball and die. And I know that I've been saying that for the past couple posts, but right now I feel it the strongest. I don't want your positive talk. I don't want you to tell me everything will be okay or that things always work out. They don't. Today, things may have finally worked out, but I still feel like the biggest failure on the entire planet. I'm not so sure I'm ready to go back to school. People freak me out and I end up making a fool of myself. I look retarded. I feel retarded. I'm only an inch tall hoping for a foot to come smashing down on top of me. Crushing me and scraping every fiber of my being into the cold, rough cement. But the foot never comes. And it makes me feel worse. I am so alone. And there's no one to go to. I apologize if that offends you, but it's just so difficult for me to relate to/trust people. Dearest Justin Storie, thank you for being a bright, shiny object of laughter in my dismal sucky day. And with that I will go so I can finish this infernal book so I can start on another one.

The World Has Many I's

I have come to the conclusion that I use the word "I" a lot. But I don't care. So far it is in every sentence I have written in this post. But I don't care. There...I said it again. Anyway, (I was going to say "anyways," but that would just make Eric mad...not that he reads my blog or anything. He probably doesn't even know it exists) I should be sleeping right now. I actually got called in to work, but my body is used to staying up until 2am and waking up at noon. I popped two Benedryl, and they started working, then Brett texted me back and I forgot all about sleeping. I feel like talking about a particular incident that happened today. Over the last week, I have decided to teach myself...more like LET myself draw. Like...really draw. I never let myself before because I was always told that I couldn't and/or shouldn't, so I never put any effort into it. But last week I bought a new sketch book and toted it around with me places making small doodles here and there. I started a new page and drew a line. That line turned into a feather, which turned into lots of feathers which turned into a drawing I worked on for two or three days. Typically I draw things and just don't finish them (that or I do finish them and they're a piece of crap), but something told me to continue. So I did. I finished it, but I still feel like something is missing. I don't want to show anyone because I'm too scared to. Cameron came over today and I had forgotten to put it away and he saw it...briefly, but he saw it. I can't stop thinking about it. About how he saw it. I'm proud of it. Proud because he thought it was good...and I suppose on a certain level I think it is, too. But I can't shake this feeling of wanting to crawl into the deepest hole, curl up, and die. A part of me wants to scan it and post it, but another part of me wants to soak it in kerosene and set it on fire until it burns and flies away as ashes in the wind. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I'm going to try to sleep. I need to be up in seven hours.

The Pangs of Hunger Beseech Me

I am dying. I need to watch Watchmen! I need to watch it a million times in a row! It's been like...three months since I've seen it last. It's been too long! I need violence. And Patrick Wilson. I need "Sound of Silence" and "The Times They Are A-Changin'." I need Jeffrey Dean Morgan. And Jackie Earle Haley. I need the four-legged chicken! I wish I still had this movie! I want to cry. I want to kill something. Sometimes, I wish murder was legal. I'd go out and find some random bloke and blast him to smithereens! Not really. I'd rather not use weapons when I have hands. Strangling and tearing of limbs is more my style. Along with disembowelment. I feel like I've said this already before. I should really go to bed. I haven't really been sleeping lately which is kind of making me crazy. I keep misspelling things and changing subjects. Like today, I FINALLY got the eyelash out of my eye that's been in there for almost three days. It wasn't even mine! It was blonde! No wonder I couldn't see it in the mirror! WHY WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S EYELASH IN MY EYE?!?!?!?!?! Do I even know anyone with blonde eyelashes?! And if I did, why would my eyes be anywhere near their eyes?! I'm out.

Sad Day of Frisbee Failure

Today I was shamefully reminded of the fact that I am not athletic. I never have been and never will be. I have tried so hard to be athletic, but I epically fail at it. My boyfriend's church plays ultimate frisbee. I was asked to play and since I haven't really been doing much exercising lately, I stupidly agreed. Well guess what, I suck. I suck so bad that I sat out most of the game. I might as well have had a huge sign on my shirt saying "WORST PLAYER OF ULTIMATE FRISBEE! NEVER THROW IN THIS DIRECTION! AND NEVER PUT INTO GAME!" The frisbee was thrown in my direction. I caught 3/4 thrown to me, but failed to block all but one of the passes thrown to the person I was blocking. I can't jump and I sure as hell can't run. I learned that the hard way by joining track in 8th grade. I cried because I lost so much...of course that was when I was home and not during/after the meets. My coach put me on the 800-meter...and ONLY the 800-meter. She tried to put me on high jump because apparently a person who can jump over a 2-centimeter rope can jump backwards over a 3-foot high pole. No. Definitely didn't happen. She tried to put me on long jump. Didn't happen. Thankfully she didn't put me on hurdles. I can't sprint and having to jump over things at the same time would have been the biggest fail anyone has ever seen in their entire lives. I have no idea how I passed my gym classes. Actually, I got a C in my college gym class. I think secondary education gym teachers felt so bad for me that they just passed me. I can't do anything athletic with balls either(please don't take that dirtily). In 7th grade I tried out for the volleyball team. I had such bad hand-eye coordination that I could never actually HIT the ball to serve it. And when I did, it would fall about 5 feet in front of me. I made 2nd-to-last cuts though surprisingly. Another time in 7th grade we had to join the guy's gym class. They were doing baseball. Their gym teacher made me sit out 'cause I couldn't hit the ball. When it was my turn to bat, he'd hit the ball and make me run. I was always the third out anyways. In 3rd grade, I had this strange dream of becoming a professional basketball player. I could never make a basket. My sister would always make fun of me for this. That dream quickly went down the toilet. In 5th grade I signed up for football day-camp at my church. The leader didn't have anywhere else to put me because I sucked so much, so he put me on center. That was the only thing I could do. I could hike a ball better than the rest of the kids...and for that I will always be proud. But the biggest fail of my whole non-athletic life would have to be jump rope. I tried to join a jump rope team in 2nd grade. I wasn't good enough. It took me a whole year to actually get the tricks down to make tryouts. I was on that team for almost 8 years when it ended. And in those 8 years, I only progressed as much as Chinese did to landing on the moon. Everyone else in the jump rope world was better than me. I almost always got last place and I'm pretty sure the judges hated me just because I was a waste of their time. The times I did get first place was by default. I have 14 "gold" metals. All of them were because no one else was competing against me. They're like pity metals. "Oh, you did your best and you showed up without scratching. Sooooooo...here's a gold metal for you because you participated." Thanks. I'll wear it with glowing pride. That was sarcastic. Jump rope was my life, though. I sucked at it so much, but I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't go. All my coaches were like, "You have so much potential! You just have to believe in yourself!" I'm sorry, but false motivation does not work on me. I may have had potential, but I am so unbalanced and uncoordinated that I couldn't make magic happen even if I tried. And there is no point to "believing in yourself." It's all bullshit. Every word. My progress was no better when I thought I could do it to when I thought I couldn't do it. I just can't be athletic. I wasn't built for it. I don't think I'm going to go to the next ultimate frisbee game. I'd rather spare what little dignity I have left. Six other girls showed up today other than me, so they won't even need me. I'll sit at home reading and drawing and writing. That's something that I can unshamefully-ish do...