This Genius Idea of Mine

I Don't Feel Like Writing a Title

Today, I discovered that I'm a bitch and an asshole and that I expect to be treated like I'm special and better than everybody else. I had no idea that I was this way. But I've come to the conclusion that it is the reason I have no friends anymore. I really honestly don't want to be treated any different than anyone else. I actually prefer to be treated like a piece of shit. New things scare me, so being treated like a king freaks me out. And I'm not better than anyone else. I am worthless. And I truly believe that. I'm writing this for myself; I'm not looking for your "Oh, you're not and asshole"s, your "You're not worthless"s, or your "Yeah, you totally are"s. I don't care. Keep your opinions to yourself this time. (Not that you've expressed your opinions/feelings before.) I don't know how to change. Do I have to do the opposite of what I usually want to do? I'm so confused. So lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm going to try my hardest to avoid everyone today. I'm going to have to be in Pao for about four hours everyday this weekend and Monday anyways, so it shouldn't be too hard. I'll spend my time in my room instead of out in the living room this week, and when Friday comes around I'll quietly collect my things and leave for home. But it's not a home anymore. I don't have a bed. A place to stay. A place to escape. Where do I go? I keep having the urge to maim myself in some way. As punishment for how I've treated everyone I know in the past. I didn't mean to. I didn't know. And I'm sorry to those of you who are reading this right now if I've been a bitch or an asshole to you. Feel free to cut all contacts with me. This is why I need to be alone. So I don't hurt anyone anymore. I've always told myself that I'd be alone because I didn't want to get hurt, but now I realize that it's because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I am the worst person on the face of the Earth. I deserve to drown on a sidewalk in a torrential rain just like the worm that I am. I'm not fit to be around people. I think maybe next year I'll get an apartment by myself a couple miles from campus. I think that would be best for everybody. Or maybe I won't go back to school. It'll look bad that I quit school for a second time, but I really don't think college is for me. Bad things always happen when I go to school. I want to disappear off the map. Just leave and go someplace new. Change my name and start over. I'll get a job in a factory or a warehouse and work most of the day. Go back to my house, eat, sleep, and go to work. Like a robot. That's all I'm really good for I suppose. I have to skills other than doing what I'm told to do. I need to get ready to leave for Pao.

I wrote a poem this morning. I haven't written a poem in years. It's untitled.

Somber is as somber lies

My heart gives up with my tear filled eyes

There's tragedy in everything

I close my eyes and sprout my wings

The longest dream I've ever had

A cold, dark room of pine wood clad

Ending is as Ending calls

A quiet peace, a lifeless doll

Midnight Movie Times

I changed my mind on making a whole new post. I was going to make it of Tracey and my adventure back home from South Carolina, but I can't draw cars too well, so I decided to give you one section from it here about The Avengers preview at the end of Captain America: The First Avenger. Keep in mind that it was two in the morning and I had been waiting for this teaser for a VERY long time...

That is me on the left...and I just now noticed that I forgot to color in one of the hearts (oh well) and Tracey is on the right. I didn't feel like drawing movie theater seats behind us because it's just too much work...Oh and P.S. I didn't actually say, "Tracey, I think I need to change my pants." It was a bit more vulgar and disturbing, but I cleaned it up for you all here. The end.

*UPDATE*

I forgot that I was going to put my other drawing that no one knows of on here. You know, the one my dad wants to put on furniture? Well, I scanned it and my scanner is to small so it cuts everything off, but it's okay for now, I suppose. I threw it on an image editor to make the lines darker, but it really doesn't do it justice (not that it deserves any in the first place...). The end again.

Oh, and it was my first time ever drawing a face and an eagle and feathers so, no judging. I know I keep saying that, but I really, really, REALLY mean it. My life and sanity depend on it right now because I DON'T show people my drawings. So, once again...no. jud. ging.uh. (the "uh" must be pronounced. It 's the only way something can be properly emphasized. But be sure to slur the last bit of the "guh" sound from the "ing" into the "uh" sound...I'm going to stop before I keep confusing all of you.)

It's a Quarter After One...

I know where the title to this post is going to take you. I'm not drunk. And I don't need you now. I just feel like writing. Cam and I are supposed to have a Skype date sometime, but I feel like that isn't going to happen today. I'm hungry. I didn't really eat anything for dinner. I had 2 corn dogs for lunch...not that any of that matters to any of you. I just don't know what to do. Oh wait! Yes, I do! I wanted to talk about how annoying I am! So for the past hour or so, I've been reading some of my posts...I am really annoying and obnoxious and whiney. I apologize for this. I had no idea that I sounded like that. I am too dramatic for my own good. I think I get that from my father. I've been trying to watch Heartbreak Ridge, but it just isn't working. It's long. And I have a short attention span...and I'm not going to lie...I don't really like Clint Eastwood that much. Is that bad? Does that make me evil? It's the second Clint Eastwood movie in a row. I don't know. I'm just rambling. I should go to bed. I need to order my books for school considering that it starts on Monday. I don't want to go to school. But I need to get good grades or I'm screwed for life. I need to post a drawing. I'll do that tomorrow.  I think I'm going to go. I don't really have too much to talk about. And I might as well go to bed, but I'll probably wait up for Cam...in case you all cared to know that last bit there...

Roommate Bonding Time

So today is roommate bonding day. Except Brett is not here. He's going to jump rope. I think Mike is pretty much awesome. But I think he hates me. And now were attempting to watch Gran Torino. And now he just left. I really need to find something to blog about. I started the last comic, but I have decided that it's not really working out. I have one drawing that I could post because it's pretty funny. My heart feels like it's going to explode. Caffeine is not good for me. And that just made me think of the bacon is good for me. I'd link to it, but I don't feel like it because I'm lazy. I'm going to go because I'm bored and because I can...

Google Search Is Weird

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So I was just talking to Cam about grandma shoes and I wanted to show him what I was talking about with the white shoes with the criss-cross leather on the side...anyways, so I looked up "grandma shoes white" in Google Image search and this is what popped up. I don't think these are grandma shoes, but I kind of what to submit it in If Style Could Kill. But it probably already is in there somewhere...

Sometimes I Just Feel Like Puking

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And this is why...

Sitting, Listening, and Thirsting

So here I am in my room sitting on my futon and listening to Noah and the Whale whilst thirsting for water. I'm too lazy to get up and go downstairs to get some. Yes, I know. I'm pretty pathetic, but I have decided to write today to let you all know what has happened in the last week or so...


Saturday, July 30. Quite an eventful day I must say. My sister and I (as well as the rest of the family) traversed two hours down to the little town of Delphi, IN to do none other than jump out of an airplane two miles above the earth and safely float down. It was the MOST AWESOME THING I'VE EVER DONE!!! They say that skydiving is addicting. I would have to agree. Everyone is like, "Whoa! I want to go skydiving!" Well, I will most definitely go with you! My shadow has been IN a rainbow. Can you say that? No. No, you can't. A rainbow! Oh, and just a btww...clouds...yeah, they're warm.


Monday, August 1. Also another eventful day. My big brother and I traversed two hours down to wes lala to move some of my stuff into my house. I have a house! :D It's a very old house...and my room is smaller, but I have a house! It looks bigger because I don't have all of my stuff in it, it has 8ft ceilings and a window that isn't blocked by a giant pine tree. Seriously...the room here has no floor because it's covered by so much stuff. And that is NOT because my room is dirty.


I guess that would be about it. I took a shower today and realized that all of my clothes have been packed away. How dumb is that? I had to open up the storage bin and grab some clothes for the next coming days. Anyway, I suppose that would be about all I have to say. (P.S. I may or may not be drawing a new comic post...the end! :D )